Life In Balance

"CONSISTENCY"

2009-06-04T15:49:00.002-04:00

I think this word can be difficult at times. I knew that it had been awhile since I had written in my blog. Had I known it was three months I would have written sooner. I have a tendency to place high and often unrealistic expectations of myself because of what others think I should be doing. I was initially instructed to write at least 3-4 times per week so that the search engines would attract people to my site. The question is did that really work? So instead of writing 1-2 times per week which would have been more realistic for me I wound up not writing for three months because the thought of having to write that many times about different subjects or thoughts became overwhelming. Just as I teach my clients, all of us have "stuff" to work on at different times in our life. We are not perfect.... The key is to realize that we need to change what we are doing if we want a different result. When we know ourselves and do not allow other's influence to determine our actions, We honor ourselves and do what feels right and often what feels natural for us. So my plan is to write 1-2 times per week and if I happen to write more one week GREAT if not GREAT!!!! Consistency is about knowing what we what and making a plan to achieve that goal which inevitably leads us to following through with that GOAL!!

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-16T12:57:00.000-05:00

Now that you have answered these goals, it is important to make your goals realistic and reasonable. It can be helpful to place a time frame such as within one month, three months. You do not need to focus on specific dates unless that is your personality or the specific goal requires a specific date. For example, if you wanted to enroll in a college class you will need to know the cut off date to sign up for class. Your specific date would need to be one week prior so that you can be assured to get the class.

Goals are not about success or failure. Goals are about finding direction in your life. Goals are about creating possibilities for yourself. Goals are about facing your fears and taking risks.

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-15T15:33:00.000-05:00

Question #10: What would you like to happen in your career?

Goal: I would like to become more involved in work events. Steps to be taken: I will discuss with my supervisor within one month establishing a new role in the company. I will attend monthly events as a volunteer to demonstrate my commitment. I will develop a monthly calendar with events and highlight ways that showcase how this role would be beneficial for the company.

Goal: If you are self-employed and want more clients. Steps to be taken: I will review my marketing techniques and determine what is or isn't working. I will begin to market more aggressively. I will follow up with previous clients. I will join a chamber to get my name out there and attend meetings regularly.

Remember to expand your mind.... Look outside of the box....... See the bigger picture.......

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-13T16:17:00.001-05:00

Question #9: What decisions would you like to make?

Be as specific as possible. If you want to go to college or go to work. If you want to leave your marriage. If you want to change your career.

If you choose college. I will make a decision about whether or not I want to go to college. Steps to be taken: I will journal daily about my feelings about school. I will write list of pros and cons. I will talk to my close friends and family about this decision. I will research local colleges and within 1-3 months I will make an appointment to talk to someone about attendance.

If you choose marriage. I will make a decision about my commitment to my marriage. Steps to be taken: I will talk to my one of my closest friends about this issue for their feedback. I will write down my reasons for wanting to end my marriage. I will contact a professional within one month to talk about my feelings about my marriage to gain some clarity.

Decisions are never easy to make. The clearer you can be about them and what the real issues are behind it will help you make your decisions. If you have someone you trust who truly knows you this will also be helpful for you. It is always recommended to contact a professional when making major decisions in your life. They are objective and detached from the situation whereas you have an investment.

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-12T18:20:00.000-05:00

Question #8: What problems would you like to see solved?

You can answer it literally. If you are having emotional or financial problems. You would write clearly. I would like to be financially stable. Steps to be taken. I will itemize all my bills and when they are due. I will write list of incoming money,etc. I will keep daily list of monies spent. I will make a schedule of bills to address first in priority. I will contact financial advisor if needed.

If you think more globally. I would like the environment to be greener. Steps to be taken. I will investigate policies on GREEN and what group or function I would like to be involved in. I will contact this group within a month. I will begin to practice how to be more green.

And so on.....

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-11T15:52:00.000-05:00

Question #7: Where would you like to go?

This can be answered quite literally. If you would like to go on a vacation. If you would like to visit family in another state. If you would like to attend a sporting event or concert.

I would like to go on a cruise. Steps to be taken: I will contact local travel agent to find out specials. I will look online to find the best deal. I will ask friends and family if they went on a cruise and their experience. I will determine best time and book the cruise.

I would like to go a Bruce Springsteen concert. Steps to be taken: I will find out online when he is in concert. I will look at my schedule to find out best time. I will save $$$ if necessary to attend concert.

This is a pretty simple goal. The difficulty may be in being able to afford the trip and/or fitting it in your schedule. The most important thing is that you are planning something that you want to do and if it doesn't happen this year you know that next year it will or is a possibility anyway.

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-10T11:29:00.000-05:00

Question # 6:What would you like to have happen in your friendship,
family, love and work?

I break each one down. For example: Friendship; The goal would be I would like to spend more time with my friends. The steps I could take would be: I will call my friends once a week. I will make plans with my friends at least once a month. I will plan a day trip with my friend.

Family: If you have more than one family member, I normally set a goal for each one.
For example: I want to be closer to my brother. The steps I could take would be: I will call him at least once a week. I will tell him how I feel about our relationship. I will send him an email if I can not call him. I will make plans with him at least once a month.

Love: I want to be more honest with my partner about my feelings. The steps to be taken could be: I will write down what issues I am having with my partner. I will share these feelings with my partner at least once a week. I will spend more intimate time with my partner.

Work: I want to make more money. The steps to be taken could be: I will ask my boss for a raise. I will find out if there are any higher positions. I will research what steps I need to take for career advancement. I will talk to employers for possible overtime and job openings.

The more specific you can be about what you would like the better able to identify the steps to achieve these goals which makes them realistic and attainable thus setting up SUCCESS.

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

Question #5: What blocks or character defects would you like to be removed?

Blocks can be defined as fears, insecurities, virtues and beliefs. Character defects can be defined as impatience, judgmental, critical, perfectionism, controlling, being hard on yourself. Block and/or character defects are those things about yourself that you do not like that create problems for you in your daily interactions with others.

If you choose Impatience. The goal would be: I will learn patience. The steps to be taken could be: I will write down those things that create feelings of impatience. I will exercise 3-4 times a week to reduce stress. I will breathe slowly. I will stop what I am doing to not react.

If you choose Critical. The goal could be: I will learn to be kinder to myself and others. The steps to be taken could be: I will practice gratitude. I will pray for acceptance. I will think before I speak.

These require some deeper introspection and creativity in resolution.

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-07T19:43:00.000-05:00

Question #4:What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you?

This question requires some personal introspection on your part. You can actually break this question into Personal, Social, Emotional, Familial, Psychological, Mental, Spiritual, ETC. So do you think you are growing emotionally or do you tend to be impulsive, immature and reactive in your responses. So your goal would be Emotional: I would like to learn how to better express my feelings. What steps are necessary to attain that goal. I will identify and list problem areas that I have with my emotions. I will ask others for their feedback. I will develop a list of what I can do differently in a more mature and appropriate manner.

If your goal is to grow Spiritually: I would like to know how to become more spiritual. The steps I can take could be. I will define what spirituality is for me. I will ask others what it means to be spiritual or religious. I will research other religions and nationalities. I will read a book on spirituality.

So you can see where I am going. There are so many different ways we can look at ourselves and our life and what we would like to be different for us this year that needs resolution.

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-06T17:27:00.000-05:00

The third question is: What good would you like to attract in your life?

This question requires some thought because it is not normally something you would ask yourself and what exactly does it mean? Good can be defined as peace, calm, closer relationships with others, new friends, new job, better health. First define what is peace to you. So what steps do you take to attract peace in your life? I will learn how to manage my feelings. I will practice patience with myself and others. I will journal. I will meditate. I will ask others for help.

How do you attract new friends? I will define what it means to be a friend. I will take an honest inventory of myself and how I am as a friend. I will network with groups of people who I identify with, ie: if you like to read go to Borders.

You can change any negative into a positive. Instead of focusing on what good is not in your life because of life's difficulties or your own negative thinking, Focus on how to attract the good you want in your life.

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-05T14:34:00.000-05:00

Second Question: What would you like to do, to accomplish?

If your answer is I would like to go on a vacation. What steps are necessary to do that. I will review my finances. I will explore where I would like to go. I will explore best rates,etc. I will begin to save $$$$ in the amount of ______ to make it happen.

If your answer is to accomplish saving money. What steps are necessary to do that. I will open up a savings account. I will make a list of money coming in and bills that are due including gas and food. I will keep a daily journal of what I spend money on. I will begin to save $10 a week until I get a handle on finances.

It is important to think outside of the box.

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Goals Give Us Direction

2009-02-04T13:41:00.001-05:00

The first question of 12: What would you like to have happen in your life this year?

It could be anything and remember it needs to be written in a positive way.

For example if you want to lose weight. You could write I would like to feel more confident in my appearance. The next step is how can you achieve this goal. Remember to write in positive. I will eat three well-balanced meals. I will exercise at least 3 days a week. I will write affirmations about myself. I will eat when I am hungry. I will wear clothing that makes me feel good about myself.

Second example: To get married. Your statement/goal could be I would like to meet someone whom I want to spend the rest of my life. The steps you could take. I will explore online dating services. I will go out on blind dates. I will socialize in areas that I could meet someone. I will look at my past relationships and see if there are any patterns. If you are in a long-term relationship and wondering if and when this will happen. You could write I will explore further our commitment as a couple. Steps to be taken could be I will talk to my partner about his plans for us. We will discuss what changes need to made in our relationship to foster marriage. I will set a deadline for change so that I can make a decision about my commitment to stay in this relationship if marriage is not in this year's future.

These are just some ideas.....

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"TIME"

2009-02-03T16:23:00.002-05:00

Where has all the time gone? I just realized that I have not written a blog in two months. I seemed to have lost a lot of "time" with the holidays. Unfortunately there are others out there that probably can relate to this whole issue. Where did the time go? It goes by quickly. One week turns into the next and than it becomes a month and now we are in February all ready. So I decided that I needed to get back on track with the things that are important to me in my life. Every year in the beginning weeks I write down what my goals are for the year. However I ask myself different questions. From the book Language of Letting Go there are several questions to ask yourself. I answer each question and than I break down each one into steps of how I can achieve these goals. I tend to look at what is happening in my life that I want to better and how can I improve them. I encourage my clients to look at different ways to set goals related to weight loss or smoking cigarettes or even drugs and alcohol. By making a statement that I want to be more healthy and feel better about myself. So the next obvious question would be what does that mean for me. If you want to lose weight you would frame your answer to state I want to eat three balanced meals a day and exercise at least 3 days a week for the first month and so on. If smoking if your struggle, the steps to take could be being aware of when you smoke and why you smoke and write in a journal, take a walk, etc. If you reframe your goals they do not seem to be the traditional goals that most of my clients fear setting because what if they fail. By framing it in a positive way you will see more progress thus success not failure. So for the next 12 days take time to answer these questions.

Remember there are no wrong answers.

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Dating Online

2008-11-09T11:04:00.000-05:00

This question has come up many times in my counseling others. Should they try and find their MR./MRS. RIGHT? Well, it depends on the individual. Are you comfortable with communicating with others through a computer? Do you feel that you can describe yourself in a way that really is who you are? Will you be able to meet someone you never met in person? Can you set appropriate boundaries and limits for yourself? Will you become overinvolved and obsessed with the whole process that you lose focus of your reasoning for doing this is in the first place? Are you realistic about your expectations? I have known a few clients who were quite successful with finding their Mrs. Right. The reality is You have to do what is right for you. You have to be comfortable with the whole process. You have to be true to who you are. It is good to push your limits and try something new but if it goes against YOU than it will not be the avenue you may want to seek. With every risk you grow as a person and no matter what the outcome you will know what it is that you are looking for and eventually you will find the person you want to spend your life with whether you meet them online or in your everyday surroundings or at a company event you weren't planning to attend.

The bottom line is to do what feels right for you. You know yourself better than anyone.

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STEP ONE

2008-11-08T16:48:00.000-05:00

In the 12 step program, the first step is We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, love, others and that our life was unmanageable. Whatever it is that we are addicted to we must admit that we are powerless. What exactly does that mean? It means that we are not in control of those things in our life. They control us if we let them. By admitting that we are powerless and that drugs/alcohol have created unmanageability in our lives we can move forward, practice abstinence and recognize that our lives will be better and full of balance and manageability. Practicing the first step whenever you are feeling that others are creating all this turmoil in your life will put things into perspective very quickly. That you can not control how others will be or how they will respond. You are only responsible for you.

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One Day At A Time

2008-11-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

This phrase comes from the AA fellowship. It means exactly what it says. Take one day at a time, do not worry about tomorrow and do not fret about yesterday. You can not change the past or predict the future. If you allow yourself to stay in today, you only have to deal with what today brings. Make decisions and choices that fit your needs today and if you are unsure there is tomorrow. Take each day an opportunity to enjoy your life and do what pleases you. No matter whether it is right or wrong. Tomorrow will soon be today and you can do what feels right for that day. When the time is right and the TODAY is as it should be you will understand why taking one day at a time will bring you the balance that you need in your life.

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"Get ready for the Holidays"

2008-11-06T17:45:00.004-05:00

The holidays are quickly coming upon us which tends to create a fair amount of stress for people mostly women. Primarily women because they are the ones who are preparing the meals, having to go food shopping, cleaning the house, making sure their kids are where they need to be, scheduling for their families, etc...... There never seems to be enough time in the day to do all the things they need to do. Women tend to have difficulty asking for help thus feel overwhelmed and sometimes resentful that they have to do it all. Yet they do not ASK. They do not ask because some women like to be in control and feel that only they can do the job and do it right. While there can be some truth to this in certain situations it can backfire. Sometimes it is more important to delegate and not worry about everything having to be perfect. Learn how to let things go and enjoy the moment and the holiday.

Trust me find a way to enjoy the holidays!!!!

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"CELEBRATE YOU"

2008-10-18T10:22:00.001-04:00

When I was in therapy almost 20 years ago, my therapist at the time told me that no one should ever work on their birthday if they do not have to. WHY? Because it is a day to celebrate you and to acknowledge that you are special and that this is the day you were given life. So I needless to say have not worked on my birthday for 20 years. I usually spend the day with my mother depending upon on what day it falls on or with my husband if we are away on vacation. I believe it is important to say today is my day whether or not it sounds spoiled or selfish. The reality is It is your birthday to do whatever makes you happy. So my mother and I will go antiquing for the day and have a really nice lunch and talk and laugh and have a good time and if I have been a good daughter which I am I will get a present. My husband will make me one of my favorite dinners with flowers and candlelight and a special present. I do also celebrate my birthday further with my three closest friends and other family members on separate occasions. I like to feel special, so my birthday is that time of year for me to connect with those in my life who are truly important and very special to me. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

So take the time to celebrate you and all your goodness!!!

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"Expectations of Our Children"

2008-10-17T13:59:00.000-04:00

I believe in this day and age it can be very difficult to be a parent especially if you are not the norm. What I mean by this is that we live in a society where a lot of kids are given whatever they want and are not taught any manners or proper etiquette. I am always amazed when I see a 7 or 8 year old talking back to his parents telling them to shut up and to do what he wants them to do and the parent does not reprimand this child or say anything except "OK Johnny". Than there are the parents of adolescents who let their kids drink alcohol in their home with their friends, smoke pot, and stay out all night. There seems to be less boundaries and rules for young persons(14-18) these days. They are allowed to be adults and make adult decisions when they are not even mature enough to do so. This is a tragedy waiting to happen. What happens is that kids get this false sense of confidence that they can handle all these pressures and push themselves beyond all their limits without knowing that eventually something is going to give. How many kids get behind the wheel of their cars heavily intoxicated and kills their friends, or gets a DUI, or gets date raped, or overdosing on alcohol and drugs??? TOO MANY!!!! I work with a lot of adolescents and it always amazes me how many have no rules or curfews and can come and go as they please at 16/17 years old. I will have the few adolescents whose parents do set limits and boundaries and are met with tons of resistance because to their children they are being treated unfairly. It is understandable that these young persons would feel this way but you know what in the end they will be better off. They will learn about being responsible and the importance of boundaries as well as the fact that their parents care about them and their welfare. Parents who do not know where their children are or who do not really care what they are doing as long as they do not get caught or are in trouble and in for a rude awakening because their child more than likely will kill someone while driving under the influence or die of an overdose at some time in their lives or they will never get ahead in life because they have no self-esteem or any idea how to a productive member of society. It is far better to be a strict parent who allows for exceptions to curfews than to say "Whatever I trust you" because it has nothing to do with trust. Some kids do not know their limits and sadly do not care enough about themselves. So parents look at your children and really ask yourself if providing all these liberties have gained you "the relationship you want with your child or that your child has become the person you have wished for." I have not found too many kids that have any real respect for their parents when they have been given whatever they wanted and with no consequences.

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"Fall is a Time for Change"

2008-10-16T14:50:00.002-04:00

Whenever the season of FALL arrives most people start to evaluate or reevaluate the things in their life that they have been procrastinating about or wanting to do. For some it is looking for a new job, going to school, ending a relationship, quitting drugs or alcohol, losing weight or how they see their lives in five, ten, twenty years and if they are happy with the way things are in their life. There is something about the leaves changing color and the crisp air that creates this feeling of wanting something to be different in their lives. The FALL weather has a way of prompting us to see how beautiful nature is and how simple life can be if we just enjoyed what we have in our lives rather than what we do not have. Take a drive down a country road and allow yourself to truly experience the beauty of the trees and the colors and just breathe and relax. Life is Good. It will probably motivate you to want to change the things in your life that you have been putting off. Look at this time as an opportunity to change and to live your life with meaning and purpose.

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"CHANGE"

2008-10-15T13:44:00.000-04:00

Change is never easy no matter what it is that you want to change in your life. Change requires that you make a decision in your life about something that it either really important to you personally or something someone else wants from you. Change is scary for most people because there is an unknown to what the outcome will be. It is much easier to stay where you are even if you do not like it because it is familiar and comfortable. Once you decide that you need to change you need to figure out if you need support from others and how you will ask for that support as well as what will that change mean for you in all areas of your life. It is important to have a clear understanding of the impact that this change will have for you in your life both positive and negative. The latter is usually related to others. While they want you to change they also will have to change and they may not be ready to look at themselves. It can be helpful to talk to friends or a professional counselor or life coach to assist you in making the life changes that you desire.

Change is Good regardless of the outcome.

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"Keep It Simple Part 2"

2008-10-10T14:41:00.000-04:00

The question has risen what if someone else is interfering with your ability to keep things simple? Well you need to do your best to separate yourself from this person and/or situation emotionally first so that you can figure out what your role in it is. Sometimes all we can do is NOTHING because there are things that are out of our control. We can not control other people's behaviors. All we can do is make sure that we have taken care of ourselves as best as we can and let it go. Trying to figure out why someone is doing what they are doing can make you "crazy". All you can do is focus on you and trust that you are making the best decisions possible. People are going to do whatever it is that they want even if it complicates your life. It is not fair but it is life. So your only options are to know yourself, to understand the situation, to make appropriate decisions and to move forward. It is not easy to deal with other people who do not care how their behaviors affect us especially if it is to intentionally hurt or harm because of their own unresolved issues and baggage. We have no control over them only over us and how we respond to the situation. So do your best to Keep It Simple and to not complicate it by creating a crisis it will serve no purpose except to keep you unsettled and in crisis.

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"Keep It Simple"

2008-10-09T16:29:00.002-04:00

How easy is it to keep things simple when your head is moving a hundred miles a minute? It is not, but it can be done. It is all about slowing down for a brief moment and writing down whatever it is that is in your head that is creating conflict for you. If you can't do that than find someone you can talk to. If that doesn't work talk out loud to yourself and ask yourself what it is that you are looking for at that moment to create simplicity not crisis. A lot of time we create crisis because it is all we know how to do and for some how to function. Yet it does not need to be this way. Uncomplicate your life by putting things in perspective and figuring out if you need help to manage your crisis and if so make the plans necessary so that you can continue to address whatever else it is that needs attention and resolution. It helps to have a plan it does not necessarily have to be permanent but a tentative one will reduce some anxiety and stress.

So KEEP IT SIMPLE. Life is too short to be in a constant mind frenzy.

www.balancelife4u.com

"BE WHO YOU ARE"

2008-10-04T11:11:00.000-04:00

This is a daily meditation From the pages of The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie:
"In recovery, we are learning a new beahvior. It's called Be Who You Are. For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves? Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?"

"There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves - regardless of the reaction of others. Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work. We discover that who we are has always been GOOD ENOUGH. It is who we were intended to be."

"Today, I will own my power to be myself."

Reading a daily meditation can provide support and validation when you are struggling or need to have some structure and balance in your life. It is nice to know that you are not alone.

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"ANGER"

2008-10-03T13:51:00.000-04:00

I was reading this book about anger and how harmful it can be. I would like to share with you some of the things that I read that made sense and thought may be helpful.

This book was written by Vernon Howard, so these are his thoughts and words.

"Anger hurts your health, makes you miserable, blocks solutions, wastes your energy, keeps you helpless, invites attacks, imprisons your spirit, wrecks human relations, gives you headaches, causes accidents, ruins restful sleep and turns a love of life into a lonely life." "Feeling hatred is easier. You do not have to consider anyone else, or even the consequences to yourself. You need only fall into it, losing your integrity on the downward plunge, which is foolishly a thrilling experience for some." "Anger is not necessary. Stop wearing yourself out." "Realize that anger serves no true need, that is performs no necessary service. The habit of anger does not want you to see this, it likes to hang around to bully and bother you. You need to see your anger as pointless. The power is to see it as useless. When you see it that way, You let it go and you drop it. There is no point to it."

I think what he has to say can have a lot of impact on you if you or someone you know has an anger management problem. So learn about your anger and figure out how to let it go so that you can move forward with your life.

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Change

2008-10-02T15:46:00.002-04:00

Most of struggle with change at some point in our lives. Change is relative to what is going on in our lives and what level of commitment we can make. It takes courage to change things about yourself that you may not like and a willingness to hear what others may have to say about you and your situation. My belief is as long as you are OPEN to change it is possible to CHANGE.

I read this quote on a card that I really liked:
"It is not how many doors are opened to you that counts, it is how many you are BRAVE enough to walk through."

So be brave, be courageous and make the necessary changes that you need to make in your life to be happy, fulfilled or whatever it is that you are looking for in your life.

www.balancelife4u.com

"Self-Image"

2008-09-27T13:38:00.000-04:00

I was reading Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's The Power of Intention. I would like to share with you something he wrote in his daily calendar.
"Don't make others' feelings about you more important than your opinion of yourself. If you've allowed any negative thoughts and opinions directed your way to become the basis of your self-portrait, you're asking the universal mind to do the same." His belief is that we create what is going to happen in our life with our thoughts and feelings based upon our projections of ourselves and what is happening in our lives. If we are always negative we will only continue to draw negative things into our lives. If we focus on what we are deserving than things will come our way. There is a lot of truth to what he has to say. The thing to remember is that it takes time. You have to work at things in your life and work on yourself and create these possibilities for it to happen. You can pray and ask God for things to be better but if you are not living your life with that passion and purpose, it may not happen. As long as you are making an honest effort to change in your life the doors will start opening up for you and you will see the rewards.

So remember that you have the power to naturally create the life you want with your intentions.

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"Life Isn't Fair"

2008-09-26T15:22:00.002-04:00

How many times have you found yourself or someone saying "Life Just Isn't Fair". Why is this happening to me? I am such a good person. I don't deserve to be treated this way. Why can't people be nicer? Why do I always have to pick up the slack for other people? Why can't everyone just get along? How come he got the promotion and I didn't? How come he can have all those nice things and I can't? Why do I always have to struggle to get by? The list could go on and on and on............ The reality is Is that life sometimes isn't fair. We need to do the best that we can and learn from every situation that is presenting itself to us and move on. Some things we do not have control over. If we choose to make a decision that serves us but may have another impact or reaction that we do not look at than we have no control over the outcome and how someone may respond to it. There are some people who are takers and do not care how they get what they want. Is that fair? Maybe not but it is reality. All you can do is to be true to who you are, ask for what you need, and do the best you can. It still may not unfold as you would like it to because you can not control how other people are going to respond or react to a situation no matter how good and kind you are. Do your best to put whatever it is that you think is unfair into perspective and do what you can to change it if you can and if not learn from it and let it go. We all need to have a vision and move toward that vision but sometimes life has others plans that we could not foresee. So be grateful for the things that you have in your life. There is always someone else whose life is filled with more struggles, hardships and unfairness than you could possibly imagine.

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"CONFRONTATION"

2008-09-25T15:00:00.000-04:00

Most people do not like this word because it implies conflict, argument, disagreement, quarrel or a war of words. It makes one uncomfortable knowing that they will have to "deal with" someone or "face up to" some situation. We worry about how the other person may respond to our addressing them with our concern or expressing how we felt about a situation. We may feel fearful to tell them what their role was in it and how we would want to rectify the situation. A fair amount of people do not like conflict and when they have to "confront" their fears, most will avoid the conflict and confrontation all together because it is much easier to let it go and move on than it would be to take care of themselves. Having to confront someone is never easy. You need to decide what you have to gain from facing the conflict and if it is truly in yours and their best interest to do so. Every situation is different. It depends on the relationship and what value you place on it. I have found that most people who do not deal with conflict often feel victimized and place blame upon others for why their life is "unhappy" or "unmanageable" or whatever. The sooner you stand up for yourself and ask for what you need or if you feel you have been wronged, the better off you will be. Start with small conflicts where there is minimal investment in the relationship. Sooner or later you are going to have to deal with the confrontation you have been putting off because the reality is "You Are Allready In Conflict".

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"PATIENCE"

2008-09-23T19:54:00.002-04:00

Patience is truly a virtue, which basically means if you possess it you are truly remarkable. Patience requires an understanding of your situation and that you know how to handle it in a way that is responsible, caring, sympathetic and respectful of other's feelings. If you learn to take your time and to listen you can teach a valuable lesson to yourself and to others. We live in such an impatient time, where everyone wants their needs met now that it can be hard to not react to others impatience. Being patient is a gift. It takes practice and commitment. The more patience you can have the calmer your life will be and the more balance you will create in your life.

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"Rejection II"

2008-09-21T11:52:00.000-04:00

What I liked about this article was what this author had to say:
"Redefine rejection as learning. We are often scared to speak as our true selves because we fear how people will respond. Your goal in speaking about yourself or your business is not to please everyone; it is to connect with the people who will benefit from using your product, service or relationship. Treat each opportunity to speak about your business or yourself as a way to discover new opportunities. If you find yourself keeping silent, ask yourself, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" You'll soon discover that what you feared usually isn't as bad as you imagined."

This is so true. So face your fears of rejection. You will feel better about yourself regardless of the outcome because you did not stay stuck and you created an opportunity for change. And change can be very good.

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Rejection

2008-09-20T10:47:00.003-04:00

I was reading this article on rejection and how most of us at one time or another in our lives have struggled with rejection. The word "rejection" alone makes you not even want to say it let alone deal with it. What I have learned in all my years as a therapist is that rejection is fear.... which can be immobilizing for some and motivating for others. We all fear rejection on some level. It is knowing when we need to overcome our fears of rejection. The clearer we are about who we are and what our issues are the more willing we are to address our fears of rejection. The best thing you can do is to list what your fears are about rejection as it relates to the issue you are avoiding and write down what is the worst thing that can happen and the best thing that can happen. There is no rejection when you take a risk. Risk is about growing and facing your fears. The reality is once we face our fears we often wished that we had done it sooner. So take a risk and enjoy your day.

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"A Juggling Act"

2008-09-04T17:45:00.003-04:00

Sometimes life seems like a juggling act with how many things you can juggle at one time in any given moment, hour, day or even week. When I listen to the mothers that I work with I do my best to help them understand why "ME" time is important to them when they are taking care of everyone else's needs in the home, at work and in any of their relationships with others. For a lot of women it can be difficult to first find time for themselves let alone being willing to give up that time for their needs. Women who are by nature caretakers have difficulty putting their needs first, in the middle or even last. They become so overwhelmed with all of their responsibilities to others that they can't give themselves permission to do something for themselves. They often feel selfish and/or guilty. I help them to understand that if they do not take care of themselves and do things for themselves that eventually things are going to fall apart and all the balls they have up in the air will be on the ground. The process for some women is slow with carving out time for themselves and learning how to be more gentle with themselves and realize that they to have needs. It is a balancing act. This is what I teach and support them with so that they can feel good about themselves for who they are and not only with what they do for others.

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"Having Fun"

2008-09-01T19:28:00.002-04:00

It always amazes me when I hear my clients or others talk about not knowing how to have fun and some even don't know what FUN is. I try to help my clients look at what they enjoy and like to do because often if you enjoy something it could be fun. Everyone has different definitions of fun. Fun to me is going to flea markets and antiquing with my husband. Fun is laughing really hard at stupid jokes. Fun is taking walks. Fun is going to the beach and swimming in the ocean. Fun is going to the movies. Fun is spending time with your best girl friend talking, laughing and eating a good meal. Fun is going to the amusement park and going on all the rides, especially the roller coasters. Fun is going to the bookstore with your sister and drinking chai tea and eating lemon pound cake. Fun is playing in the arcades. Fun is riding ATV's with a bunch of your friends. Fun is whatever brings you joy and happiness. For some this may seem impossible. So look at what is positive in your life and figure out what FUN is for you. There is plenty of time to be serious why not just have some fun and relax.

"Daily Meditations"

2008-08-30T18:46:00.000-04:00

I believe very strongly in reading daily meditation books every day if possible whether it is in the morning or the evening. One of my favorite is "The Language of Letting Go" by Melodie Beattie. I have had this book for over 16 years and I still read it almost every day. I find it very helpful when I am feeling overwhelmed or confused or when I want to feel balanced in my day. Another one I really like is "The Promise of a New Day". For instance yesterday's daily was:
" A light heart eases a hard struggle. A sense of humor takes the sting out of troubling circumstances. Likewise, a hateful attitude takes the luster out of the brightest moments. We have the power to control the flavor of the circumstances which will invite our involvement.
Accepting responsibility for our own happiness frees us from other's control. And it heightens our moments of pleasure. We are in control of the level of our joy and sorrow. In any situation we may choose to give others control over our feelings, but making that choice guarantees that we'll live half-lives with little real happiness."
Wow what can you say to that.

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"Living a Sober Life"

2008-08-29T16:26:00.000-04:00

Most recovering addicts will tell you that being sober can be a lot of work depending upon the given time or day or event in their lives. So many struggle with staying sober for one day because of their inner demons, unwillingness to change, severe depression, lack of acceptance of their disease, friends who want them using, financial difficulties, insecurities, excuses, "poor me attitude", denial of their addiction, wanting to be normal, unhappiness in their marriage, disgust with themselves for their actions, unresolved childhood trauma.....The list can go on. What I tell my clients who are suffering with an addiction is to take each day as it comes and only deal with the issues at head. Stay in today not tomorrow or yesterday. This can be a daunting task because most addicts have low frustration tolerance and are extremely impulsive and want to feel better now. In order to live a sober life there first needs to be a commitment to wanting to be sober, Second a willingness to change and Third an openness to hearing what others have to say about you and what you need to do in your life to BE SOBER. You are not alone in your quest for sobriety. Ask for help. Go to AA/NA meetings. Seek counseling. Be honest with yourself about your life and live a life that is filled with happiness peace and fulfillment.

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"When is Enough Enough?"

2008-08-28T16:19:00.000-04:00

All of us at some point in our lives have felt like this When is this pain going to end? When is she going to do something? When are they going to take responsibility for their actions? When are they going to stop being a victim? When ..... I could go on and on about this question. The answer is when YOU decide that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. When you set the appropriate boundary with someone. When you understand what your role in it is. When you are willing to take responsibility for your actions. When you become honest with them. When you stop enabling them. When you are sick and tired of hearing the same things and there are no changes. The enough is enough comes from us who are on the other side of WHEN.... We need to take a look at ourselves and what we can do differently to not feel this way or accept the fact that our role is to support this person in getting where they need to be in our time and when we feel that we have done ENOUGH and we need to let go and let them decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

"Pleasing Others"

2008-08-27T16:11:00.002-04:00

It can be so difficult if you are one of those people who like to please others. It can derive from a need to get approval from others that you are this wonderful person. It can be about not wanting conflict with others. Sometimes you can feel good about yourself because you made someone happy. It can be a learned behavior that you witnessed it growing up by another adult so you automatically have been conditioned to be a pleaser. The problem with being a pleaser is that you often neglect yourself and your needs and can become resentful when others do not react or respond the way you think they should when you have done a good deed for them. So the best thing you can do is Ask yourself why you are doing this pleasing behavior? What are you getting out of it? Is it worth it or is the relationship worth it? Depending upon your answer you will either feel good about it or victimized about your inability to set limits. Pleasing only has its benefits when it is pure of heart and true to who you are as a person.

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"What Is Change?"

2008-08-18T15:08:00.001-04:00

Change is knowing when you need to get unstuck and make decisions in your life that will make you feel better and reduce stress in your life. Change for some is about being assertive and asking for what you need in your relationships with others. Change can be saying NO to someone instead of YES ALL THE TIME. Change is about asking for help from others when you do not have the answers or you need support in your life. Change can be related to how we perceive things in our life and our need to have a more positive focused attitude rather than a gloom and doom or belief that things can't change. By altering our attitudes and beliefs CHANGE is possible. Trust that you have the answers and start making the necessary changes in your life to create balance, prosperity harmony and happiness.

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"The Here and Now"

2008-08-17T19:59:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it can be difficult to stay in the present. We can get stuck in the past wishing how things could have been different "IF ONLY WE HAD....." All of us at some time in our lives have started out a sentence that way and where it often leads us is to feeling guilty or sad or angry about the choices that we have made that we are where we are right now. The reality is "Is that everything that has happened in our lives up until now is What it is!!" We can not change that so to stay in the past and do all the would of could of"s isn't going to get us anywhere. Stay in the present with the knowledge from our past and work towards what it is that we want in our lives on a daily present in "THE HERE AND NOW." What a daunting task this may seem for some; however you will experience a freedom and a subtle permission that the past is gone and the future is not yet here and the PRESENT is all that we have. So make the most of it.

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"HONESTY"

2008-08-14T16:08:00.002-04:00

I find that being honest for some people is very difficult. I do not believe that most people lie intentionally. I believe that sometimes they are so fearful of the outcome or hurting someone's feelings that their impulse is to lie. Once they lie they find it hard to get honest. Being honest requires a vulnerability for some people. What if they are not forgiven for their lie? What if they lose all trust with others? They often wonder how they can make up for their lies. The problem for compulsive liars is that it becomes so habitual and natural for them that sometimes they do not even know the truth. They are so caught up in the lies that they do not even know where to begin. It takes alot of courage for them to ask for forgiveness. Sometimes it is not worth the risk. They feel that they will have to work harder at regaining trust that it will never be enough. I try to encourage my clients to be honest with those that they trust and if they do lie about something as soon as possible get honest whether it is in person or in writing. They will actually gain trust quicker by making the amend rather than waiting until they get caught..... It can be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is dishonest. You just need to make a decision about whether or not the confrontation will help or improve the situation or not make a difference at all. It tends to be a very personal decision. The reality is the more honest you are about your thoughts and feelings the less stress you feel in your life and the more comfortable you are to be yourself.

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"STRESS"

2008-08-13T17:16:00.003-04:00

What can you say about stress? It feels like you can't breathe sometimes and that you have to make quick decisions. When I am feeling overly stressed, I first try and figure out what is causing me stress and if there is something that I can do to reduce it. Sometimes just driving to work can be stressful because people do not pay attention to how they drive and create stress when driving. I find that when I am overreacting to these stressors, it usually has to do with me and that I might be late getting to where I need to be. And sometimes I think it just has to do with impatience and intolerance as we get older. It takes alot of emotional discipline to just breathe and to not react to others on the road or elsewhere that may be creating stress for us. It can be a waste of energy to get upset when we have absolutely "no control" on how others are going to behave. Some reactions of frustration are normal; however when there is screaming and yelling and cursing going on it can be alittle more deeply rooted. It is important to look at where we are at in our lives and if we are happy with the path we are choosing and IF NOT we need to do ourselves a favor and makes those changes so that we are not wasting energy rather all that energy could go to feeling good about ourselves and the direction we are going in our life with our family, friends and work. We all experience stress in our lives some more than others but it is important to look at how much we create and what we can change or are willing to change to be happy and breathe more calmly...

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"SOBRIETY"

2008-08-09T16:45:00.003-04:00

What kind of a commitment does it take for someone to get SOBER from alcohol and CLEAN from drugs? This is a good question. It requires honesty, openness and a willingness to change. The HOW principle comes from the AA program. Anyone who has ever tried to get clean and sober and failed knows that the level of their commitment often predicted the outcome of their sobriety. Commitment is not easy for the long term. One can make a daily commitment to not drink or use; however it becomes difficult as the weeks and months go along to be abstinent. For most recovering addicts/alcoholics it is a life time commitment. Some get and will reach 10-25 years of sobriety without ever picking up a drink or drug. Others will struggle their whole life with one week, one month, six months, a year..... Sometimes it is not only about the commitment it is about life stressors, relationships, personality, dynamics and patterns. As long as there is a DESIRE to stop drinking or using than one can make a COMMITMENT to live a sober lifestyle ONE DAY AT A TIME..... This is what the Twelve Steps program teaches recovering persons. So it is important to not give up on yourself and to know that eventually you will get it as long as there is COMMITMENT, HONESTY, OPENNESS, WILLINGNESS AND DESIRE......

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"Wayne W. Dyer"

2008-08-04T22:29:00.004-04:00

This man has written many"self-help" books for twenty years. His current books are about how to create inspiration and spirituality in our lives. He has a book called "Everyday Wisdom for Success" that gives daily thoughts about how to better live our lives. Some of my favorites are:
"Let go of your ego's need to be right. When you're in the middle of an argument ask yourself: Do I want to be right or be happy?"; "You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being-not because anybody else says so, not because you are making lots of money-but because you decide to know it."; "You'll come to know that the fear of not HAVING enough prevents many from seeing that they already ARE enough."; "Always remember that every obstacle is a test and an opportunity."

If you ever get an opportunity put on Channel 12 and watch him when he speaks about spirituality, self-esteem, personal growth, etc. He is an amazing speaker and presenter about self improvement and how to achieve personal wealth and success in your life.

http://www.balancelife4u.com/

"Relationships"

2008-07-31T13:49:00.003-04:00

One of the stuggles that my clients experience in their personal, family and social relationships is TRUST. It can make a relationship and it can destroy it if you do not have it. There are a variety of causes which can create a lack of trust ie: dishonesty, secrecy, infidelity, control, irresponsibility, manipulation, unavailability, close-minded, defensive, selfish.... When you are the one on the receiving end feeling as though you can not trust someone in your life, you need to make a decision about the importance of this relationship in your life. If you decide that they are worthy of you than you need to take action and confront them. However you need to be sure of their untrust and what your role is in it. If you are a very insecure person you may actually be creating all these behaviors which would indicate that you can not trust this person. When the realityis you are the problem not your partner. So you need to be very clear about your role in this relationship and figure out if this is your issue first. Than you can confront the situation.

When two people have a trusting relationship they do not doubt their partners when they tell them something, you feel secure in your relationship and you enjoy their company and you certainly do not talk about them to others if you trust their motives, attitudes and behaviors. If you have an open relationship with your friend, family member or partner you will be able to talk with them about your lack of trust and why you feel you can not trust them and they will respond in a way that validates your feelings and concerns and they will tell you that they could understand why you would feel this way without judgment or criticsms.

Ultimately one has to TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS and know themselves and their partners in order to successfully trust their feelings in order to trust others.

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"SOCIAL PRESSURES"

2008-07-30T16:18:00.002-04:00

It never seems to amaze me how much pressure we can put on ourselves to have to meet the social pressures in society in general and within our own community. It seems as though we are always striving to have more and that by not having what others have that somehow we are less than or that we have failed in some way. Not only materialistically is there pressure but emotionally, socially and physically as well. Are we thin enough? smart enough? cool enough? Do we speak well? polite? well-mannered? have the right clothes, shoes, cellphones, ipods, video games? What about use of drugs and alcohol? You name it. Sometimes it feels as though all that matters with people is all these things. So what happens is we put all this pressure on ourselves to live up to a standard that may not be real or attainable for us. It is so important to do an honest self-inventory and know who we are with our values, beliefs and morals and what it is that makes us genuinely happy!!!! Forget the social pressures!! Live your life for you and for those who you care for and love and treat others as you would like to be treated.

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"Young Suicide"

2008-07-28T22:40:00.003-04:00

How sad it is to hear about a young man just 22 years old who decides to hang himself and end his life. How sad he did not feel he had any other options, that he was in that much emotional pain and no one knew it. To think that he was able to hide these strong feelings of death from his family and friends. Unfortunately some kids have a long history of depression and take their lives and than there are those who in an impulsive moment of despair and sadness commit suicide. It is difficult at these times to understand why someone that was so young and had his whole life ahead of him could not or did not see his future. There are a lot of stressors in the lives of young people that often go unnoticed. We live in such a materialistic society and the need to fit in I would imagine must be difficult and trying for these young persons. Drugs and alcohol often play a role in feelings of depression and not wanting to live. Whatever the reasons were for why this young man did not feel that his life was worthwhile enough to live is just plain sad. My hope is that his family and friends will find a way to heal and forgive him for the choice he made in that moment of despair.

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"Progress Not Perfection"

2008-07-24T15:32:00.002-04:00

This is phrase used alot in recovery so that clients can understand that things take time to change especially when it comes to attitudes and behaviors and dynamics and patterns. Most people do not realize that when you have a different thought or perception about a problem or a solution that that is change or progress. Some of us search or want perfection because we want to feel better soon or have a better outcome quicker. Yet we can set ourselves up for failure when we do not allow ourselves to progress at our own pace and that perfection is not real or attainable. Often what we do is not enough. We usually want more or want something else to be different, instead of just accepting that we are where we are supposed to be at and that knowing that is progress and growth. Progress gives us permission to breathe alittle better and to be less critical of ourselves. Perfection is a myth and will only leave us feeling less than rather than really good about ourselves. All of us want to feel good about ourselves without all the pressures. So it is "PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION".

"Back to Work"

2008-07-23T16:36:00.003-04:00

Well I am back from vacation and as most people know it can be difficult getting back into the daily grind of things. So I give myself permission to take my time in making return phone calls, doing the laundry, and whatever else it is that I need to do. I find that some of us want to get right back into the swing but we can not swing until we move through the middle time and allow ourselves to moderately transition into our daily lives. Once we take that extra pressure off of ourselves we will find that things will flow alot better.

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"VACATION"

2008-07-12T13:30:00.000-04:00

I will be on vacation from Saturday 07/12/2008 until 07/20/2008. I will blog when I get back. Going to the beach and the mountains.

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"Spirituality"

2008-07-10T13:42:00.002-04:00

I am going to see the Dalai Lama tomorrow to hear him speak about his way of life and how he lives a life of abundance and harmony. I have been looking forward to this experience for over a month now when a colleague of mine had purchased tickets for me and some of his friends. He knew that I would enjoy having this experience. Spirituality is a big part of my life. It will be an honor to be in the presence of someone who embodies Spirituality. I believe that spirituality is essential in our lives if we want to create balance and a feeling of connectedness to this world.

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"Do I measure up?"

2008-07-09T18:57:00.002-04:00

Often when I am working with my clients they have a tendency to compare themselves to others and question whether or not they measure up. You may ask "measure up to what?" Sometimes people think that they are not enough, good enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough.....So when they are in the presence of others they will look at themselves in comparison to others and criticize and judge themselves against others whom they see as their competition. This sense of not measuring up usually is a conditioning response to some unmet need or comment that someone made to them that at times "haunts" and "paralyzes" them. By always or sometimes placing such harsh judgments and criticisms they often set themselves up to fail which leads to low self-confidence. While it can be helpful to compare ourselves to others to see if we are living our life as we see fit which works for us; it can be extremely harmful if you become consumed by it and define yourself by how you think others see you. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and once we embrace it and accept ourselves for it we will have the balance that we are seeking in our lives.

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"Intentions"

2008-07-08T13:54:00.000-04:00

All of us have the best of intentions when it comes to many different things in our life. Such as wanting to call a friend that you haven't talked to in awhile and have a nice meal. Such as cleaning your garage, basement, attic or any room in your house. Such as making a donation to a local charity that you believe in. Such as making an apology or an amend to someone that you have harmed in some way. Such as helping someone out without them having to ask for it. Such as making dinner for your mother who eats microwaveable meals at home alone. Such as how you are going to make more money. Such as washing your car. Whatever the intention is sometimes we fall short because we are tired, lazy, overwhelmed, critical, judgmental, selfish...... Try to not be too hard on yourself because eventually you will follow through with your intentions. Thus feeling very good about yourself and wondering why you didn't do it sooner.

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"Asking for Help"

2008-07-07T14:38:00.002-04:00

One of the most difficult things my clients struggle with is asking for help when they need it from others. They often feel that others will let them down anyway so they do whatever it is that they need to do and at times feel resentment and anger. What they do not realize is that being a martyr has a price. The price of freedom. Freedom to do whatever it is they want to do: talk on the phone, go for a walk, go shopping, take a nap, do nothing, go to the beach, eat ice cream, WHATEVER.... FREEDOM. They lose valuable time and energy by not asking others for help when they need to and often suffer emotionally longer. So if you want to have some freedoms ASK FOR HELP.

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"Life"

2008-07-05T14:31:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life seems wonderful and other times it seems so overwhelming and difficult. What I find helpful is to recognize that life is what it is at times and that you have to do the best that you can to deal with what life gives you even if it doesn't make sense sometimes. The saying that "Life just isn't Fair" certainly feels true at times. But what is life supposed to be all daisies and roses every day. Without the daily struggles and headaches and frustrations we would not grow and our life would not become what we make it. I do believe that things happen for a reason in our life and when we learn the lesson whatever the issue it will have less hold on us. So accept where you are at in your life and make changes when you can because Life usually unfolds as it should.

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"Fourth of July"

2008-07-03T17:33:00.004-04:00

What does it mean to you? For me it a day of celebration of our independence. That we have choices in this world in how we want to take care of ourselves. To be independent means that we can stand on our own two feet. That we have a voice if it needs to be heard. That we can advocate for our beliefs in private and public arenas. That we have a choice in how we can to live each day. To ask for help when we need it. To feel more confident and successful. To fight for our rights in any situation (peace not violence). That I can say YES or NO. That I do not need other's approval to make decisions. That what I am feeling is OKAY. That I can eat ice cream whenever I want. That I can create my life how I want to live it. I am grateful for my independence and how well it serves me and enables me to help others to create their own voice of independence.

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"Gratitude"

2008-07-01T22:09:00.002-04:00

Sometimes when life seems chaotic and unforgiving, gratitude can quickly get your life back in perspective. Being grateful for the things that you do have, your friends, your spouse, your job, your sense of humor, your kindness, your home, your car, your health, your spirituality, your passion, your patience, your ability to love, your personality, your honesty, your integrity, your smile, your intelligence, your courage, your confidence and on and on....... Being grateful is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself when life seems overwhelming and unfair. Practice gratitude every day if you can to keep yourself feeling balanced.

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"Codependents Anonymous"

2008-06-30T14:02:00.000-04:00

There is a twelve step program that helps codependents heal from their relationships and increase their understanding of their codependency and how it has worked in their life. I would strongly suggest that if you are codependent and need support from others who are like you, that this is the place to go. It is a program of anonymity with the understanding that you are there to get help and support. There are no expectations that you have to speak or share your story at these meetings unless you want too. Codependents Anonymous offers a safe place for you to share your thoughts and feelings without judgments and criticisms. I would encourage you to attend a meeting to see if it could work for you. If you are not comfortable with being in a group of people, find a therapist who specialized in codependency. Remember you are not alone, there are other people who struggle with the same issues as you and who need support also in finding their way.

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http://www.codependentsanonymous.com/

"Codependent No More"

2008-06-29T14:11:00.000-04:00

Melodie Beattie wrote this book called "Codependent No More". When I first read this book over fifteen years ago, I realized that I suffered from codependency. Today I have worked through most of my issues and will occasionally struggle with feelings of "not feeling good enough"; however the feeling doesn't last long because I have learned how to deal with these feelings and issues. I have made a personal and professional commitment to strive for balance in my life by honoring myself and my needs with the understanding of how it impacts on all of my relationships. I still recommend this book to my clients who struggle with codependency. It provides a lot of insight into the disease and how to address and manage it. She has gone on to write several additional books to complement her best seller. My other favorite book is "The Language of Letting Go" also written by Melodie Beattie. It is a daily affirmation book for codependents. It validates that you are not alone in your thinking and feeling and provides a sense of relief that you can change and life as you know it will get better.

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"Family Matters"

2008-06-28T14:14:00.000-04:00

All of us have families that we either like, dislike or could do without. However if we have a family that is important to us we will do whatever is necessary to improve the relationships, spend time with them and love them regardless of their faults or weaknesses. Every family is different with the number and personalities of their siblings. So it is necessary to understand who they are and the kind of relationship you want to have with them and if they are capable of meeting your expectations. Expectations and lack of acceptance are normally the pitfall for most failures of family relationships. So if your family matters to you you will figure out what it is you need to do and what you are willing to do to maintain your family relationships with the understanding that forgiveness and acceptance as well as not taking things personally are key to them remaining LASTING.

"Sadness"

2008-06-27T19:53:00.002-04:00

Some of us carry a deep sadness about our lives and relationships with others. We wish that things were different with our partners or family members. We do not understand why we are so unhappy and how to get out of this "awful" feeling. Some people are clinically depressed and others are often victims. They(victims) feel sorry for themselves and feel that everyone owes them or should take care of them. They feel sad that others do not care about them "enough". The problem is that because of their expectations of themselves they often feel disappointed by others not reciprocating in the same manner and become resentful thus feeling victimized. What they need to do is to take an honest look at themselves and their expectations and determine whether they are realistic or not and begin to set boundaries. Once they can let go of their expectations they will feel less victimized and experience less sadness about their lives. Because they will be living their life on their terms which will bring Happiness.

"Acceptance"

2008-06-25T19:15:00.002-04:00

"Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation --some fact of my life Unacceptable to me. And I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, Absolutely Nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I accept life completely on life's term, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes." Page 449 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

This prayer has helped me in many ways to not create a crisis and to accept the situation as it is for that moment. Even if you do not believe in God you can take it out and it will still make sense and give you a sense of calm. You may have to say it a few times if you are really upset and confused but it will help you gain a new perspective on your life and your current situation.

www.balancelife4u.com

"Forgiveness"

2008-06-24T21:54:00.003-04:00

Part of creating balance in our lives is about knowing when we need to forgive ourselves and/or forgive others. Sometimes we can place high expectations on ourselves and we may fail to reach the goals we set. We need to give ourselves some space and permission to not have to be perfect. High expectations usually means perfectionism. With perfectionism often comes disapppointment and frustration. It can be difficult to always strive for having to be the best and do the best. By forgiving ourselves for not fully achieving our goals we can set ourselves free from continued frustration and emotional torture and move on and have balance. We learn to let go of what is not accessable or necessary for personal achievement. If we feel we have been wronged by someone else. It is important to find a way to forgive them in person, in writing or in our mind so that we do not hold onto resentments and bitterness. These feelings will inevitably keep us stuck which creates an inbalance in our emotional well-being. Once we practice forgiveness, we can let go and create a life of balance that works for us.

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"Creating A Crisis"

2008-06-23T21:07:00.002-04:00

Do you ever create a crisis and not know why? Sometimes people create drama and crisis because it is all they know how to do and it is how they live their life. Sometimes they are looking for attention from others even if it is in a negative way. They often do not see it as being negative. It feels as though they are venting their thoughts and problems. Yet they never seem to feel better. That is because when you are in a crisis or creating it your focus is usually on complaining about others or feeling sorry for yourself. Sometimes when things are going well for you, you may create a crisis just because things are too calm. This normally occurs when people have been in counseling and have worked through their issues. When you are "In Crisis" it is important to assess is it really a crisis? Are you making it more than what it really is? Sometimes we know. Once you know how to define the crisis than you figure out how you need to handle it and what is the best course of action. Sometimes you may need to walk away from a situation and clear your head. Talking to someone who knows you really well can help you calm down and figure out what you need to do. Writing down your feelings about the situation can help you see things more clearly and make a more informed decision. If you lack insight into yourself and why crisis seems to surround you alot of the time, it would be helpful for you to contact a professional to discuss these issues. Always remember to not panic or worry incessantly!! All things can be worked out!!!

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"Self-Love"

2008-06-20T13:49:00.003-04:00

One of the most important gifts we can give ourselves is to love ourselves unconditionally. How do you do that? By honoring your wants and needs and being true to yourself. Set limits for yourself in how you want others to treat you. Be respectful of your friends, family and partner and treat them as you would like to be treated. Have fun and find hobbies and interests that speak to who you are as a person. Enjoy each day and be grateful for the things and people that you have in your life. Get enough rest as well as enough fun. Challenge yourself and take risks. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Be honest as much as possible. Speak your truth. Stand up for what you believe in. Ask for help when you need it. Do what makes you happy!!

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"Codependency"

2008-06-19T15:30:00.004-04:00

What is codependency? It is when someone focuses most of their attention on pleasing others and neglects their own needs. Most codependents will say "YES" when they really want to say "NO" but because of not wanting to dissappoint others they do not take care of themselves. They become so loyal to their partners that they will neglect their own needs. They can be so fearful of losing their partner that they will do whatever makes them happy. They often confuse sex with love, thinking they are the same thing. They have strong needs for attention and approval from others. They struggle with setting boundaries and limits for themselves. All in the name of "PLEASING". Their motto is that they must make everyone else happy and comfortable even if they have to sacrifice their wants and needs. Most codependents have been raised in a family where there was a strong care taking component by one of their parents or siblings. They began to realize that they could get needs met by taking care of others feelings and problems. What they didn't know was the cost they would have to pay later for giving up what they wanted for themselves. It can be a viscous cycle when involved in a codependent relationship because you become so dependent upon the other person that you can't see yourself without this person in your life, yet you are miserable and wishing you weren't with this person.
There are other facets to codependency; however the main discussion here is about the dependency and low self-worth that is created when one is involved in this type of relationship. It can take several months and for some years to break this pattern of behavior. An individual must understand where this behavior came from, if they want to change it and how they are going to make these changes knowing the risks involved. Teaching codependents about boundaries, limit setting, asking for what they need, personal responsibility and accountability, and learning to like themselves and eventually loving themselves is the ultimate goal. Self-love and courage is key to being successful in breaking these patterns and living the life that will make them feel balanced and fulfilled.

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"Drunk Driving"

2008-06-18T13:10:00.003-04:00

I just came upon a site that allows young people specifically adolescents and young adults to apologize to a friend or family member for killing their friend, son, daughter, sister or brother,etc. because they chose to drink and drive. The site also offers ways for young people to send texts to their friends if they are worried that they are going to get behind a wheel of their car and drive drunk. It allows for them to choose designated drivers so that each of them can take responsibility for each other in a healthy way. What a moving site. I have worked with a few adolescents who have chosen to drink and drive and not think twice about it. They believe that they are in control of themselves and can handle it or they just don't believe that something bad could happen to them or their friends. It can be difficult to get young people to understand that they hold their lives and the lives of others in their hands, because they actually believe "They Are Invincible!!" The sad thing is that they do not always realize how intoxicated they really are and fool themselves into believing that they are "Just Buzzed". It is usually not until the following day when they awake and rehearse the events from the evening before and wonder how they got home since they didn't remember driving home let alone what happened that night. All you can do if educate them about drinking and driving, help them to understand that there are consequences to every choice and decision they make and support them in learning to be more responsible for their actions. Sometimes young people just need an outlet(like a good friend, family member or a therapist) to talk about their feelings and why they drink and use drugs as a way to cope with their problems. Hopefully they will gain some insight into their thinking process and make good sound responsible decisions when it comes to using drugs or alcohol and specifically to not drink and drive.

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Visit http://www.fullapologies.com/

"Depression in Men"

2008-06-17T17:28:00.005-04:00

I have a few male clients with whom I work on a weekly or monthly basis counseling them on their alcoholism and depression. It is often very difficult for men to trust anyone with their feelings and problems. It can take awhile for them to believe that you can help them. Men have been conditioned for a long time to keep their feelings to themselves unless it is a happy or sad feeling. They are often embarrassed when they experience feelings of depression and can not control these feelings or get a handle of them. They will often drink alcohol, use drugs or act out impulsively(an affair) or become violent as a way to deal with these uncomfortable feelings. They have a tendency to isolate themselves from others or immerse themselves in work so no one will find out their secret. To be found out that you have feelings of sadness, lonliness and/or despair is a frightening often terrifying experience for men. They can have strong egos and have a need to please and present themselves as "being a man". To cry would be humiliating and degrading to some men, a sign of weakness. It takes alot of courage for a man to know when he needs help and especially to be able to ask for it from a spouse or loved one let alone a professional. Taking the first step to knowing than asking and finally following through with a decision for help, is one of the greatest gift a depressed man can give himself and those whom he comes in contact. Men need to be nurtured and validated for their own self-preservation and personal growth. We are all human and we all struggle sometimes regardless of being a woman or a man. It is just that men have a tendency to keep things more to themselves and act as if they are okay when they are not. Male depression has been a secret for too long. Men need to know that there is help for them and to take a chance with a professional by talking about their feelings and problems so that they can release the burden they have been caring around for so long. Experience joy and contentment in their life.

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"Am I Enough?"

2008-06-16T12:08:00.003-04:00

Alot of times we go through times in our life when we question where we are at in our lives when it comes to our personal and family relationships and our career or home life. We will invariably compare ourselves to our family and friends as well as society in general and go "Am I earning enough money?, Do I have enough friends?, Is my house comparable to what my neighbor has?, Is my car worthy to be riding with other cars?" Sometimes this can be a daunting task because we often feel that what we have is not enough compared to what others have. We often feel that we need to have more or do more because our society implies to be happy means having a eight bedroom house with 5 acres of land and a brand new Rover. When the reality is we need to define what makes us happy in our current environment and when we look around at what we have and who we have in our lives "Are we happy? and Do I have enough?" For most people they will say "Yes! Life is Good!!" They may want to tweak some things with home improvements or possibly a new car or spending more time with family and friends. For some though they may need to make changes in their life that will improve the overall quality of their lives. They may need to work harder than the rest of us depending upon What is Important for them in their lives without comparing themselves to others. All of us have different ideas about how we want to live our lives and how we live our lives. So define what that is for you and believe that no matter what "You are Enough".

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"A Hot Summer Day"

2008-06-14T16:55:00.002-04:00

Even though it is not officially summer, it sure seemed like it today. Wow was it hot!!! On days like these I prefer to do nothing if my day allows for it. Today was one of those days. I went for an early morning run and than sat out back on my covered deck and drank a cup of chai tea and read two magazines. It was a wonderful morning. I did nothing else today except to relax and enjoy my day. Sometimes it is important to do nothing, there is always tomorrow. Part of finding balance is knowing when days like today are essential in order to have the strength and desire to fulfill the rest of your responsibilities that lie ahead in the week to come.

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"Some Days"

2008-06-13T09:10:00.003-04:00

There are days when you wake up and just feel alittle "off". You may be unsure as to why you are feeling this way. I know for myself when this happens, I think about what has been going on in my life within the past 3-7 days and would that have any impact on the way I am feeling. In most cases, I can usually figure it out by myself in my head. I know myself pretty well and have learned how to process my feelings and the how my life works for me. If I am still feeling confused I will call one of my close friends and talk to her about my feelings and I can usually figure it out or come to another realization about what is going on for me. Having friends or loved ones who know who you are can be really helpful at times like these. They know your "issues" and personal struggles and can help you dissect what your feeling, why it is you are feeling that way and what things you can do to cope with this feeling of "being alittle off". Sometimes just talking about your feelings and confusion lifts the mood almost immediately and than you have a clear understanding of what it is you need to do to "feel better". Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to a therapist or a counselor or clergy member about yourself if you do not have someone in your life who understands and supports you so that you can some clarity in your life and move forward with your day.

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"A Life of An Adolescent"

2008-06-12T19:10:00.001-04:00

I have been working with adolescents for almost 20 years and it amazes me how much things are alike yet how different things are today for kids. Kids today experience so many more pressures than I did as an adolescent. I mean there are typical stressors with your parents and with school; however friends are alittle different. Girls are alot "meaner" and confrontational and they tend to take more risks "dangerous" and "harmful". There are more girls who binge drink and participate in high risk sexual behaviors without having any regrets or cares about what others think of them. This is of great concern to me. Girls are not being taught how to take care of themselves and if they are going to make choices to drink and smoke pot and have sex with boys at least do in a responsible manner. What is responsible? Having one drink with their friends, taking one hit of pot, and using a condom. Be watchful of their girlfriends who drink too much and hook up with lots of boys. The reality is there are going to be kids who drink, smoke pot and have sex whether their parents like it or not. Trying to control them is not going to change their behavior. Talking with their kids helping them to understand why they are making the choices they are is what is going to help them make better decisions for themselves. Most kids do not have an adult in their life that they can talk to about drinking, drugs and sex. It would be beneficial for them to seek out a therapist who can relate to your child and help them make healthy appropriate choices and decisions for themselves. they will learn about boundaries and feel good about themselves in a healthy way rather than seeking it in ways that are destructive and harmful to them physically, emotionally, socially and psychologically. Adolescents do not get to be kids in this day and age. There are alot of pressures for them to be an adult thus they want to behave like adults which is not always a good thing.

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"Our expectations of Others"

2008-06-11T17:25:00.003-04:00

It always amazes me how we can become dissapointed by others because of the expectations we have of them. I have found that when we expect others to behave or act in a way" that we would" that we are usually saddened by the fact that they do whatever they want regardless of how we may feel. I have learned to accept the fact that just because I have high expectations of myself that I can not expect others to have those same standards. So I need to adjust my thinking and what it is I know about that particular person, so that I can grasp the reality that "they do not think or act the way that I do". I find that I am less frustrated when I am able to put it in perspective and separate the two issues and the persons involved. That is how I create balance in my life when it comes to my expectations of myself and others.

www.balancelife4u.com

"Create" Balance

2008-06-05T17:00:00.002-04:00

How do we create balance in our lives? It depends on our life stressors and our daily responsibilities and of course our needs and wants. First you need to prioritize what is truly important in your life that needs to be addressed and/or changed and how you will do that with all your responsibilities, wants and needs. It can be helpful to do a pros and cons list depending on the situation. Also talking with someone else about your situation can help you make a decision about what is best for you. Often we do not always know what it is that we truly want or need because all of our other daily/weekly responsibilities come into play. If we allow ourselves to sit quietly for awhile and ask ourselves What would make me happy and can I make this happen in my life? Talk about it, write about it and consult with someone who doesn't know you to assist you in finding the answers. We all the have answers within us, sometimes we just need someone else to help us figure it out.

www.balancelife4u.com

The "should's" of Balance

2008-06-04T17:01:00.005-04:00

Today is one of those days when things feel out of balance because things are not working out the way we think they "should". On days like these I first take out the word "should" because it implies shame. We tend to feel worse about ourselves when we place expectations on ourselves about how we "should" be doing this or that. I change the word to "it would be in my best interest", "I want to do this", or " I need to do this". It has a whole different tone and meaning attached to it when you actually say it out loud. I find that it lessens your feelings about the situation and allows you to make a decision that serves you for that day whatever it is. By doing this simple task it frees you to move forward with your day to make choices and decisions that fit where you are at in your mind and with your responsibilities for the day. For example: "I should really clean the house today but I want to just sit and relax for a few hours because I never have time to do that without any interruptions." If you take care of yourself and relax you will more than likely feel guilty about your decision because it is something you "should have done" vs. "I need to clean the house today but I want to sit and relax". You will actually give yourself permission to take care of yourself knowing that you will find time another day to clean the house, because you know that relaxing for this moment is more important than a clean house.

www.balancelife4u.com

What is “Life In Balance?

2008-04-30T23:45:00.001-04:00

What is “Life In Balance?
Are you living a life of prosperity, abundance & harmony?

All of us face struggles in our lives. The key is how we cope with them and with the impact that they have on us and our relationships with others. I believe that all aspects of our lives are inter-connected; if we are stressed in one area, it negatively affects our overall balance. The trick is to address these stressors while being true to ourselves.

We create balance by looking inside ourselves and assessing our individual attitudes, values and beliefs regarding our emotions, spirituality, work, family and social relationships. This is what comprises our very individual "emotional fingerprint," if you will. It is only when we really see and embrace this that we can live the life we really want and still stay in balance.

Living a fulfilling life in balance is a choice, as is choosing to sleepwalk randomly from one day to the next, reacting to events rather than responding to them.

Codependency

2008-04-30T23:40:00.000-04:00

Some say that it is a disease of the heart. Codependency is believed to have developed from

the family you grew up in wherein someone was addicted to alcohol/drugs,
a relationship with someone who actively abuses chemicals or is involved in other addictive behaviors (i.e. gambling, sex) and
growing up in a home where feelings and emotions were repressed or not expressed.

In most cases, drugs and alcohol play a significant role in the development of codependency. Codependency grows out of a want and a need to “fix things”, to take care of and protect those we love and to feel as though “we matter and make a difference.” -more here-

Career Coaching

2008-04-30T23:38:00.000-04:00

It is a once in a lifetime process. Most people will seek out a coach to help them make some decisions about their current career. If you want to change careers but have no idea what you want to do or where to start to find the answers. If you are unsatisfied and unfulfilled in your work and are looking for satisfaction and fulfillment at a deeper level. If you do not feel that you are using your gifts and talents to their fullest potential. If you believe that there is something more that you are supposed to be doing possibly making a difference in this world. If you are a young person recently graduated from high school and want to have some direction about what you want to do for the rest of your life or for right now that will make you happy. If you are a retiree or in transition with your job and want to figure out what your next stage of life will be. -read more-

Self-Esteem

2008-04-30T23:35:00.000-04:00

Self-Esteem is the picture we have about ourselves. It’s the combination of unconscious and conscious beliefs that we believe to be true about who we are. Self-Esteem comes from the decisions we made about what we saw happening around us and to us. We start to compare ourselves to others and thus may define who we are by what we see in them good or bad.

Self-Esteem is related to how we feel about ourselves. Our feelings tell us a lot about ourselves. They are neither right nor wrong, they just are. How we feel and how we deal with these feelings greatly impact on how we feel about ourselves positive or negative. What you THINK about your problems has a significant impact on what you FEEL and what you DO /REACT to handle all your life issues (friends, family, school, leisure, etc.). -read more-